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Moving Forward

June 10, 2008

Is what I think I’m feeling. Which goes to show that reading Siddhharta ( by Herman Hesse), finishing Siddharta and promptly hearing Velveteen (by Yoko Kanno) on (loving it still) makes a psychedelic high (completely drug free) full of undeep deep undeep thought. Also it’s 3.28 a.m. which is not at all unusual for me these days. I’m seeing way more 4 a.m.s these days than I really should. And missing way more 11.30 a.m.s (and 12.30 p.m.s) than I really should too.

So maybe I should try to articulate what I’m thinking now.

Mainly that I’m not special. That you’re not special. That I’ve been a narcissist for so long for thinking that I am special. I still do insist that I am, in fact. I can’t lie to myself very well. I can but I know I’m doing it. You’re not special. You have probably thought the same things I have. I have thought the same things you have. What is unique? Is not a person an accumulation of events and an accumulation of methods, an accumulation of processes, of methods of processing, of processed thought?

Still, I can blithely say it here, that we are all the same essentially, but speak to any one person and I feel the difference as keenly as ever, the sneaking sense of mild superiority (oh gosh, I’m totally destroying myself here). I don’t think to myself, “Oh I’m so much better than SoandSo who I’m talking to.” Well actually I never do, unless the word retard doesn’t do him/her/it justice (let’s face it, these doods exist). Being aware that he/she/it is the same as me is a fine thought, plausible, believable but… But… But…!

And it’s 3 a.m. – 3.36 a.m. so I want to endorse Mahou Shoujo Ririkaru Nanoha.

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. Really. It’s the, like, best thing ever since sliced cheese. Or maybe it’s the psychedelic mind state talking. Kinda feel like there’s a nail in my head. Not unpleasantly, of course, though I can’t imagine how a nail in the head could be anything but unpleasant.

Fate Testarossa Harlaown is the best.


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