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How to Stay Out of the Asylum

July 11, 2012

Probably it’s not a good idea to showcase your weirdnesses to a bunch of strangers on the Internets. Probably it’s a worse idea to do the same for quasi-maybe-pretty-good friends or possible family members who actually read this thing. Do you guys still read this thing? Really? People still read?


Simple Horrors is a great category. Definitely recommended.

This is one of those posts where I thought of a great title but didn’t bother, you know, considering the contents which shall, in a word, suck. In a more pretentious description, this shit is major flow-of-consciousness, floaty boaty, actually-I-don’t-do-drugs-ish… stuff.

Here’s number one anyway:

1. Keep your off-Normal-curve tendencies away from polite company.

Obviously. Being counter-culture is one thing, painting yourself purple and dancing loudly without music in public transport dressed like a colorful fireman is… well. Speaking of counter-culture, is it just me or has it turned decidedly mainstream? What’s the current counter-culture, by the way? I can’t tell any more. Is it still Appling about drinking craft beers and stuff at coffee houses in suspenders and a little goatee? (Whiff of illegality in that sentence). Is being counter-counter-culture equal to being really boring and ordinary-ish? Because that’s what I generally count myself as. Which is really unflattering. Also, this paragraph is getting purgatorially long.

2. Obsess Not

Over people, animals, characters or objects. Don’t do obsession, it freaks not-your-people out. No shrines. Never do shrines. Really. If you pay for the transportation I’ll come over and grab you by the shoulders and look you in the eyes and say to you, very very seriously, Don’t Do Shrines. One scrapbook is okay. One. Perhaps a shelf. A Small Shelf. Nothing more, or you’ll be finding yourself in a sleeveless tightey-whitey shirt in fairly short order, once people find out. Also, obsess briefly, explosively, gloriously, drainingly. Like an explosive *guess!*… An explosm. Wait, no-

3. Avoid the Internet

It’s pretty damn nasty. There’s a lotta sickos out there kids, so stay away from the uglies. Who are the uglies anyhow? Standard issue troll goes for standard issue bullshit, yo-mama insults you and I can do in our sleep. It’s pretty uninspired, so let’s move on. The refined troll aims higher, goes inflammatory like a big man talking apples amongst robots. The bully troll does rape notjokes and misspells raep while actively seeking favorite hate topics. Take Youtube videos, for example. The comments… sigh. I shall not elaborate. Hot topics include faggotry (ah, how I love faggotry) and a certain Bieber (oh, how I dislike Bieber). In general, stay away from the comments section anywhere, and vitriol-baiting posts from disreputable gossipy rags.

If, by the way, the first two troll descriptions mesh with your online behavior, take a couple of steps back and maybe seek a qualified mental health professional. If you think you might be the last species of troll, you have my loving blessings to jump of a bridge or tall building. There’s no saving ya.

This ended up surprisingly long. There’s probably more crap to write about but meh. No fancy ending sentence today. Speaking of asylums though, Gotham City has a really awesome one. Cheers.

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