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How to be a Bully and/or Troll [PROfanity]

September 4, 2013

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Like seriously. Profanity ahead. Avert thy virgin eyes. Or something.

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1. Develop the mindset

2. Find a target

3. Dehumanize the target

4. ???

5. Profit!!

 

1. Develop the Mindset

Superiority is key. Believe always that you are right. Bend the universe to your will. It’s your fucking universe after all.

Remember: you are the elite. You are master of every conceivable conversation topic. And should anyone have the brevity to disagree, shower them with your mighty wrath and razor sharp words.

If this is taking place in real life – if you’ve got the fucking badge, you’ve got the fucking authority. Taze away, motherfucker.

 

2. Find a Target

Ask yourself this: what do you most dislike in this world? What do you most like, and what is in direct competition of that? If you believe the iPhone is manna sent down from a heaven – where Steve Jobs (R.I.P. R.I.P. *GENUFLECT*) has ascended to the very top, revolutionizing the afterworld with sleek touch surfaces –  immediately seek out all Android / Windows Phone / Blackberry / other sidestream OS heretics. They are deserving of your wrath. Remember always your superiority.

Also, if they are more wealthy &/ good looking &/ intelligent &/ articulate than yourself, Something Is Wrong with that Person. Thus:

 

3. Dehumanize the Target

Keep in mind that you are perfect, although self-depreciating humor is occasionally necessary to fraternize with other lesser beings.  But that is beside the point.

The point is that you and your loved ones are the only normal people in the world, and everyone else must necessarily be Abnormal.

Take your pick of inhuman modifiers. Do not let the dictionary confine you. Once you’ve selected a choice pejorative, use liberally and without caution. Any positive attribute in your target is then automatically rendered null and void.

This is the most important step of all, because if you think your target is human, you will emphatize and be N-I-C-E. Being N-I-C-E is Fucking Wrong.

 

4. ???

Shit explains itself.

 

5. Profit!!

Two exclamation marks are crucial here. Why would anyone bother with this shit if there’s no money in it?

Congratulations, buddy. You are now a right proper Troll (and/or Bully)!

I’d give you a certificate but I can’t be arsed.

 

Alternate ending:

Get hunted down by Anonymous and/or the police and be harassed (with the guidance of this very! helpful! how-to!) until the very last moment of your suicide.

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